It was around this time two years ago that I found out I was pregnant with Toby. Considering how the end result is mechanically achieved, getting pregnant was probably the least sexy sexual escapade of my life. While I don’t profess to be an expert on the topic, having managed it just the once, I would like to share with you some of my top tips if you are trying to conceive.
**Disclaimer** – this post is going to be a bit of a laugh with some semi-serious tips, most involve drinking prosecco, so this might not be the blog post for you… Please consult your doctor.
Everyone’s journey is very different. If you have been reading my blog from the beginning you will know that due to winning the equivalent of a reverse genetic lottery, we were under pressure to conceive and start our family with immediate effect. We received this joyful news just days after getting married. If you want to read about that you can catch up here.
Tip No.1 – Bulk Buy Your Pregnancy Tests
If it’s your first baby then nothing but the best is good enough. Right? If I’m going to pee on a stick it will be the Rolls Royce of sticks. It will be plated in 24 carrat gold and it will the perfect vessel for my pregnancy tainted pee. Count the lines? Ugh? Excuse me? NO. My Clear blue super extravagant pregnancy test kits actually say words. Like, they speak to you. Then as if they have a degree from Trinity, they will tell me how far I’m gone. How convenient! This was me.
Let me tell you… when those good for nothing, fifteen quid a pop pregnancy test laugh in your face on a more than regular basis; howling at you as they scribe the words NOT PREGNANT in their antagonistic handwriting across their sleek bellies, you’ll be wishing you went to Boots and bulk bought a load of cheap ones like you see in the movies. Trust me.
Tip No. 2 – Delete that Poxi Ovulation App
Mission – get pregnant. So I immediately download a conception app to send a shuddering alarm through my soul each and every time I was ovulating. I actually turned into Monica Geller. You’ve worked 70 hours this week have you? Not really in the humour are you not? What do you mean I could at least shave my legs? WELL I’M OVULATING!!! This went on for the best part of five months. Delete the app and just go back to having sex because it’s fun to have sex and when it’s fun to have sex. Not because some lunatic of an iPhone app reckons it’s more in tune with your body than you are. Sure jaysus our mothers never had any high fluting apps!
Tip No. 3 – Get Plastered
The week I deleted the ovulation app was the week that myself, Craig and four of our best mates took a trip to London for the rugby World Cup finals weekend. It was Halloween. I got TROLLIED. I went missing from the group for a little while because I was single-handedly paying the wages of the staff at a Jägermeister bar in Shoreditch and came back like this…
Two Saturdays later I was dancing on the tables singing Mary Black songs in our local pizzeria for my friend Laura’s 30th birthday party having consumed two bottles of wine to myself before we went to the pub. I was hungover for five days. I looked like this…
On the fifth day she rose again… this time I was due to attend an industry function being hosted at my very own workplace. I was driving. I was having one glass of prosecco. Fast forward five hours and I’m righting the wrongs of the world with one of my favourite colleagues. The only two left in the ballroom, stealing half-finished bottles of wine off other people’s tables. It got to the point where the wait staff took pity on us and brought us out fresh, full ones. That night I cried and confided with her about all that was going on totally unaware that I was in fact pregnant.
The very next night, to cure my pain, hair of the dog, I’ll have a glass of wine. It smelled like vinegar. It repelled me. Was it off? No… I was off. SHIT! I peed on one of my expensive pregnancy tests and there it was. PREGNANT. Somewhere in all of that partying and boozing and relaxing I got pregnant!
I understand it’s not an exact science but I spent six months watching my drink and my diet and my period and my clock and my calendar until I was blue in the face. The minute I let myself go a little bit, let the hair down and stopped worrying for the first time in months it happened all on its own. Would love to hear your tips!!